Sláinte

walk into a crowded room, walls of brick and a ceiling of wood enclosing around you. stake your claim and stand head held high, sweet anticipation rushing through your bones. lights dim and an ecstatic violin plays to you your secrets. close your eyes and see memories long forgotten dancing to the tune. a cello warms your soul like a long drink of whiskey as you hear of the devil lurking in the wings. but have no fear, tonight he sings Irish drinking songs and loops his arms in yours. dance a jig as the music plays faster and the crowds blur across your eyes. rising and falling they all play along in a game of ring around the rosy. you join hands and skip to the beat of a tired accordion and ever eager drum. your heart skips fast and you smile in response to the beauty of the night.

Singing Praise

You tell me I'm beautiful when I sing out Hallelujah. Hallelujah. I think you're beautiful when you smile as you strum your guitar and gaze out the window at leaves turning green in the spring sky. You sing about a girl you used to love as you sing for the one you love for now. I sit curled in our blue love seat, blankets surrounding my every inch and watch as you throw another log on the fire. The heat intensifies as I wonder and wait for how long you will stay. You look into my eyes and I see the question asked without any words. I don't know the answer so I look away, watching burning embers light. You begin to play another sad song and I feel an emptiness not found for quite some time. It's disappointing that it has made it's way back into my heart. I watch your fingers run against the strings imagining they run against my skin. It is too much to think of right now so I close my eyes and clutch fleece fabric flung around me. It becomes silent and I feel your breath against me and I open my eyes and you are right there. You tell me I'm beautiful and throw another log on the flame. Hallelujah.

untitled playlist

this place is a prison
watching out winter windows
and I can't stand me now but
do you love me now?
accidental sex leads to
miscommunication
but human behavior makes us believe
there is hope for us.
in the blue light you say you see roses
and have a feeling of chasing cars
as I play hide and seek with your smile
maybe we will find the road to joy.

O Seu Adeus

He slowly sipped from his rum and coke. It was strong enough to make him grimace but was it strong enough to make him forget? His lean back melted into his old worn pumpkin spice chair, stolen from his grandfather's basement 10 years ago. It was full of memories - some good, some bad, some innocent enough and others to make one blush. She had hated that chair. Said it was God-awful ugly and how could he let it sit out in the open like that? He took another sip, trying to drink her away. Long rough fingers felt for his cigarettes, he slid one out and grabbed his lighter. She always disliked his habit, yet had bought him this silver engraved Zippo for an anniversary. His fingertips caressed the writing, faded yet so full of meaning. He lit the cigarette, knowing full well she would have something to say about it, if she were there.

"Well, you're not here, are you? So I can smoke the whole damn pack if I want to, fall asleep and burn the house down, and what are you going to do? Nothing. Nothing at all..."

He closed his eyes and saw her. Eyes as bright as summer's morning, hair flowing behind her as she walked. Her smile could bring anyone to their knees. Remembered how her skin felt, her smell, her laughter, her lips. His eyes shut tighter as he tried to erase her but he could not. She was too much a part of his life, even now as he tried to push her away. It wasn't fair, he felt, to be in this house alone while she left him. He didn't want to be alone. He wanted her here, in this homely chair, with his worker's arms tucked around her frail tragic body. His gray eyes bubbled over with salty tears and he immediately wiped them away. He lifted his glass to his lips and gulped the alcohol down, feeling the burn rush through his soul. Unsteadily standing he put out the cigarette and turned off the light. His feet quietly shuffled down the dark hall, past old photos smiling in the night. He lay down on his cold lonely bed and whispered into the surrounding blackness.

"Goodnight love. I miss you"

He smiled for her and once again closed his eyes.

for a fall

Leaves turn gold as darkness envelopes life earlier now. Summer skies so full of promise drain to sleet, harsh and cold. Flirtatious wind kisses your neck, a playful lover's touch. Waves violently reach to freeze your soul while shivers run down spines. So wrap yourself in sheep's clothing, blowing breathes of life into endless air. Feel your fingers numb with chill, stuffed into worn weathered pockets. Watch as birds take flight - an ingenious idea to follow the sun.

Charlie (a letter to someone)

The day I first saw you I was in deep blue standing in a cornflower yellow kitchen with cracked linoleum. I stared out the small window and you caught my eye beneath that tree next to the rusty swings, throwing a football around with the boys. You were unknown to me but a presence I desperately wanted to feel. You became the substance of all thought, the subject of many a journal entry and heartbroken poetry. I could go back and tell you the date I met you; the first time you remembered my name; the first time you touched me, even ever so briefly.

A higher existence is how I perceived you for so long. It took years to realize you were actually on an equal plane with myself. You were no longer someone completely and utterly out of reach - maybe I, even I myself, could be with you! The years continued to come and go as they do. Girlfriends did the same. And every time I promised myself "He will see me this time. He will notice I am here. He will see me this time..." Every time I promised myself "I will stop noticing him. I will get over him. I will not cry..." And the years continued to come and go as they do.

We became close, we fell away again. It was a game of hot potato - hold on for a moment and it feels warm and safe, but hold on too long and you get burned ... and I kept getting burned. Friends would say "get over it, move on, you can do better anyway" and my head would say "I know, I know" but my heart would say "not yet, there's still a chance". Gradually I came to the conclusion that maybe these friends of mine knew more then my heart did ... why waste my time dreaming over this person who refuses to see me anything other then just another girl?

So this is it. My last entry dedicated to you, finally seeing you (us?) as how it really was, how it really is and how we will always be.

Here is my goodbye.